


Smurfity Smurf, Smurf, Smurf

by Calacious



Series: Guardians of Hawaii [2]
Category: Hawaii Five-0 (2010)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Crack, Characters transformed into Smurfs, Danny is grouchy not grumpy, Hawaiian gods, M/M, Mentions of Smurfs
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-14
Updated: 2016-07-17
Packaged: 2018-07-23 23:06:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,346
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7483521
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Calacious/pseuds/Calacious
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Lou knew that he should not have eaten that bowl of chili at midnight. It was the only thing that could explain why he was having visions of himself, and the rest of Five-0 as Smurfs.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Smurfity Smurf, Smurf, Smurf

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Frisk15](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Frisk15/gifts).



> Not a true crossover. This was a quick write, though I did go back and do some fleshing out and editing, please forgive any remaining errors. This was inspired by a series of exchanges between myself and Frisk15 who asked me about this series, and when I mentioned Smurfs, this is the response that sparked an interest: "Smurfs?! Now I need to bleach my mind. That image will NOT go away easily! (Grover so would be Papa Smurf!)  
> ;-)". Several paragraphs into the story, I wanted to quit, but I did not, and I kind of sort of like how it turned out. It is also thanks to Frisk15, that I am publishing this (I was on the fence, as per usual, worried): " if you DON'T publish this, I will swim across the smurfing ocean and come at you both guns blazing! Because I think this is smurfing AWESOME!" (thank you for the spark that fired up the inspiration, and for the push to share this with others). Thanks, also, to vinzgirl who recently inquired if I was going to write more stories like the one with the cookies. FYI, I am highly suggestible. Highly.
> 
> Frisk15, I hope that this is still you, here, and that you do not mind the gifting.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lou blames it on the chili, this crazy dream that he's having. Maui and Lono are preparing for a darkness that may just destroy, not only the islands, but part of the universe.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I changed Steve to Hefty Smurf, even though I was giving Steve, not the actual Handy, the tattoo. I do think that Steve is more like Hefty anyway. It matches. I don't know how I forgot Hefty (he was one of my favorites). Thanks for reminding me about him, macberly.
> 
> Have a smurfy day.

Grover blinked at the blue sky that looked a million miles away, and then down at his feet. His feet were covered in something that looked like red spandex, and his hands were blue.

_This is a dream,_ he told himself, calmly. _Any minute now, you'll wake up, and you won't be wearing red spandex and sporting a blue, four fingered hand._

He took a deep breath, and looked around, discovering that he was not alone. He didn't know how he knew it, but the four other 'people' he found in the clearing were the rest of the team. All of whom had blue skin and white spandex, and white floppy hats, except for Kono. She was blue, yes, but instead of blue spandex that covered only the lower half of her body, she was dressed in some kind of white, flowery sundress, and had thick, dark hair that flowed down her back.

"What the...smurf is going on!?" Grover shouted, clamping a hand over his mouth when his word of choice was usurped by the word 'smurf'. Apparently he was not allowed to swear.

Kono giggled, and pointed at him. "You're Papa Smurf! And I'm-"

"Kono Smurf," Danny, or the 'smurf' that Grover assumed was Danny, said.

Kono shook her head. "Nope, I'm Smurfette, and you're Grumpy Smurf."

"There's no such thing as Grumpy Smurf."

_Definitely Danny,_ Grover thought, and he blinked, and pulled at his beard ( _since when do I have a beard?_ ). "Will someone just tell me what the smurf is going on?"

"Maui and Lono," the smurf that Grover assumed was Steve said.

"Can't they, just for once, do something that's...normal?" Danny, aka 'Grumpy' Smurf asked.

"Maui and Lono?" Grover turned toward the 'smurf' he thought was Steve.

"Hawaiian gods," Steve said, shrugging, and giving Grover a look that indicated that those two words explained everything that he needed to know. They didn't.

"Grouchy Smurf," Danny said. "There's a Grouchy Smurf, and a Brainy Smurf, and -"

"Does it matter?" Grover asked. "Can someone explain what the smurf is going on without smurfing around?"

Danny frowned and blinked at him, opened his mouth, closed it, and then sighed. "No, I smurf not."

"This is a dream," Grover said, mostly to himself. It _had_ to be a dream. He'd had a big bowl of spicy chili for dinner. This was the aftermath. There was no other logical explanation for why he, and the rest of Five-0 were blue cartoon-like creatures.

"Chin's Brainy Smurf," Kono said, voice smug and excited. "And Steve's Hefty Smurf, and you're Papa Smurf."

Grover shook his head, and, in spite of the fact that he knew this was a dream, and that it was just a little crazy, he decided to go with the flow, and humor this blue version of Kono. He knew that the human version of his teammate could kick his ass, and then some, blindfolded, with one hand tied behind her back.

"If we were somehow transformed into Smurfs by Hawaiian gods that I've never heard of before, wouldn't Steve be Papa Smurf? He's the team leader."

"Brah, face it, you're Papa Smurf," Kono said. "Don't question it."

"Given that we've been transformed, once again, by the Hawaiian gods, I surmise that there is a task that we must perform to protect the islands," the smurf that was Chin said. "Unless..." he trailed off, and started pacing, blue hands clasped behind his back, muttering to himself.

The only thing that Chin was missing in his current blue form, as far as Grover could tell, were a pair of wire rim glasses, if memory served him correctly. It had been years since he'd seen the cartoon, and he'd never willingly admit to having watched it when he was a kid. He could endure the torture, should it come to that.

"Smurfs, though?" Danny flung his blue arms out wide, and turned a full circle. "What could we possibly do as smurfs that we couldn't do as human beings?"

Kono shrugged, and pulled a lock of hair behind a blue ear. "Something that requires beings that are only three apples high?"

Danny put his face in his hands and groaned. "What, kick someone in the ankles? Thwart a Gargamel-like wizard by bumbling around like a bunch of overgrown blueberries on steroids?"

Steve placed a blue hand on Danny's blue shoulder and said, "Smurf up, Danno, at least in this form we're all the same height."

"Smurf up? Smurf up? Really, Steven, that's all that you've got to say right now? Smurf up, we're the same smurfing height?" Danny shrugged out of Steve's hold, and placed his hands on his hips as he squared off with Steve, who, upon closer inspection, had a heart-shaped tattoo on one of his biceps with the name, Danno running across it like an arrow.

_Grouchy Smurf, indeed,_ Grover thought. "So, how does this...hocus pocus, or whatever, work?" he asked, shivering at the dark blue color of his arms, and hands. It was unnerving, as was the beard that he found himself wanting to run his fingers through as he thought. Much like the actual Papa Smurf that he'd grown up with as a child.

_No more midnight snacks._

"Smurf if I know," Danny said, frowning, and dancing just out of Steve's reach. He stuck his tongue out at his partner, and Grover was happy that the tongue did not appear to be blue.

"Maui and Lono have chosen us as the guardians of Hawaii, and, every now and then they call on us in a special capacity to serve the islands of Hawaii and keep them safe," Chin said in grave tones. He'd stopped pacing, and had a serene look on his face, as though he'd figured everything out, and Grover thought that maybe he had. Smurf or not, Chin was level-headed, and smart as a whip.

"It is not always clear why they choose to gift us with various shapes and incarnations until we are aware of the task that we are being asked to perform," Chin added. "Though, I suspect that our current state of being has very little to do with an actual task, and more to do with-"

Danny snorted and threw his hands in the air. "Smurf it all!"

"Danno, what would Grace say?" Steve teased.

"Please, every decent swear word that I want to say comes out as smurf. It's not fair," Danny complained, turning toward Grover as though appealing to him, his blue eyes growing comically wide.

"This isn't happening," Grover said. It was insane. He was insane for believing that any of this was real, even for a split second.

He closed his eyes, counted to ten as slowly as he could, then counted backwards from ten, and then counted to ten again, just for good measure. When he opened his eyes, everyone was still blue, and dressed in white spandex, except for Kono who was still in her white, flowery dress.

"Done swimming in the good old river denial?" Danny asked, giving him a pointed look.

"It's got to be the chili," Grover muttered to himself. There was no other logical explanation. He'd simply have to lay off spicy foods before bed. He knew that he shouldn't have eaten at midnight. Wasn't that what his wife was always telling him, that if he kept snacking when he woke up, he'd end up with heartburn, and he'd have nightmares? He doubted that even his wife would have been able to predict something like this.

"It's not the chili, brah," Kono said, resting a blue, four fingered hand on his shoulder. "We're smurfs, which means-"

"That the Hawaiian gods are smurfing with us," Danny said, raising a fist toward the sky, "yet again."

"The sooner we figure out what it is that we're supposed to do, the sooner we can get back to our normal selves," Steve said. "That's how it usually works."

"If this is a regularly occurring event, why didn't any of you tell me about this?" Grover asked, folding his arms across his chest. He didn't believe that any of this was real, but on the off chance that it was and his teammates knew about it, then why hadn't they warned him that one day, out of the blue, he would go to sleep himself, and wake up...as something else?

Steve shrugged and dug a toe through the dirt. Chin sighed, and took a step forward.

"We did not think that Maui and Lono would include you in these special tasks, because we were chosen by the gods before your assignment to the team," Chin said.

"So, what are we supposed to do as smurfs that we couldn't do as regular human beings?" Grover asked. His head was beginning to throb, and he was starting to feel a bit like an ant in a world of giants. Even the mushrooms were taller than he, and the others, were, and a single blade of grass looked like something he could use to fashion a shelter of sorts.

"I have no idea," Danny said. "Maybe Handy, or Smurfette, or Brainy Smurf can tell us, since they seem to be smurfy with what's going on."

"Calm-"

"The next words out of your mouth had better not be, down Danny, or Danno, or Grouchy Smurf." Danny waved a blue finger in front of Steve's face, making the other smurf go cross-eyed. "You smurf down, Steven. Smurfity, smurf, smurf, smurf!" Danny stomped his feet, and crossed his arms over his chest, which was heaving.

"Whoa, slow down," Kono said, giggling behind a hand. Her cheeks blushed purple, and Grover felt slightly faint, because how could any of this be real?

_I am never eating chili again,_ Grover promised himself.

"This is not real. C'mon, Lou, time to wake up." He pinched himself, and, "Smurf that hurts!"

"You're awake, and you're a smurf, just like the rest of us. This is real," Kono said, pinching him lightly on the arm, and spinning so that her skirt twirled around her ankles, or what Grover assumed were ankles on a smurf.

"If this is really happening, how can the rest of you be so smurfing calm about it all?" Grover asked.

"Once you've been injured and almost killed as a gingerbread cookie and a marshmallow, you find that you can take things like this in stride," Danny said much more calmly than Grover had expected. Steve's hand was on Danny's lower back, as though offering comfort, or maybe grounding for the other man, smurf, whatever.

"Gingerbread cookie? Marshmallow?" Grover shook his head. He felt dizzy. The world was spinning, and he was standing still, and nothing made sense. He just wanted to wake up, and kiss his wife, and toss out the leftover chili.

"Gingerbread men, and women," Steve corrected when Kono coughed. "And a bag of marshmallows. We saved a group of campers when we were marshmallows."

"Oh, I think I know what's going on," Kono said, turning on her heel. A white high heel to be exact. She snapped two of her pudgy blue fingers and smiled. "This is Lou's initiation into the guardians of Hawaii. Our initiation took place around Christmas time, and we were gingerbread cookies, because, well, because Christmas, and our first operation we were turned into marshmallows because Steve angered the gods, by calling one of them a shorty, and now -"

"Okay, smurf up. I've heard enough," Grover held his hands up to stop the rest of the team from adding their two cents into the discussion, he could see Chin nodding and frowning thoughtfully, silently encouraging his younger cousin's train of thought.

"Let's say that I believe what you're saying, that this isn't some kind of spiced chili-invoked dream, and that it's real, that we've all been transformed by a pair of Hawaiian gods who want us to be the guardians of Hawaii. Why on god's green earth would they make us into smurfs of all things?"

"Because they're smurfitsic smurfards," Danny said, pumping a blue fist in the air, aiming his blue eyes toward the sky, which was still millions of miles away.

"So that they can get a good laugh," Kono suggested, shrugging. "Maui is known for being playful. He's also one of the younger gods, and is more impulsive...ooh, or maybe it's like _Ghostbusters_ , you know when -"

"Fine, okay, so Maui and Lono want me to be part of this guardian of Hawaii thing, how can I get them to make us people again?" Grover asked, not letting Kono finish her train of thought, because no way was he going to admit to having enjoyed watching the Smurfs as a kid.

As hard as it was to believe that any of this was true, he was willing to pretend to believe anything at all to return to his natural state, and wake up next to his lovely wife, and cling to her until the world stopped spinning out of control.

"Lou Grover." A voice thundered from the sky, and the earth shook, and Grover suddenly knew that this was no dream. It was crazy, and impossible, maybe only improbable, but it was no smurfing dream.

Lou blinked at the faces around him. Each blue face reflected a sense of awe. All four of them, serious, and accepting of the voice that came from the sky.

"Yes?" Grover asked, casting his eyes down toward the green grass, which was waist high. He wondered if he'd be a smurf long enough to fashion a dwelling from the grass. An actual grass hut, like some of the people on the mainland thought people in Hawaii lived in.

"You have been chosen by Maui and Lono, gods of Hawaii, to join your friends as a guardian of the islands of Hawaii. Do you accept this calling?" The voice boomed, echoing in Grover's head, filling him with a sense of dread, and awe, and something he could not name.

Before he could answer, Grover felt hands on his back, on his shoulders, supporting him. Raising his eyes, he saw the team, surrounding him, their blue faces smiling encouragingly, their blue fingers squeezing out their support. Bolstered, Grover stood to his full, three apple height, and nodded, red hat bobbing.

"I do," he said, knowing that, even if this turned out to be nothing more than a dream, something inside of him, and in the team, had shifted.

He'd accepted a calling - whether it be from the gods, or from man, or from a bowl of spicy chili eaten at midnight, didn't matter - and more importantly, he'd been accepted, and, Papa Smurf or not, he was now a true member of this team, no matter what form they took, Smurf, cookie, marshmallow, or amoeba.

Not that he was going to encourage the gods to transform them into amoebas, or anything.

Grover felt his skin tingle, and he thought he heard laughter echoing in the clearing around him as he, and the others, were spirited away into darkness of night, or some other plane of existence where time was fluid, and he seemed to be one with everyone, and with the universe itself.

He slept then, and dreamed, not of being a smurf, but of running, one of his old, familiar dreams, and when he woke, he kissed his wife, and held her tight, and tucked a blade of grass that he'd been clutching in a fist behind his wife's ear, content, for the time being, just to watch her breathe.

Dream or not, Grover knew that his life was never going to be the same, and there was a deep sense of foreboding that refused to leave him. Something big was on its way, and Grover would do whatever he could to stand in that gap with Steve, Danny, Kono and Chin. He'd do whatever it took to make sure that his wife and children, hell, all of Hawaii, remained safe.

* * *

"Maui?" Lono ruffled the younger god's hair, and wrapped an arm around his waist, pulling him close. "Was all of that really necessary? You know you're on probation."

He peered into the looking glass that allowed the gods to check on mortals, and saw the remnants of the world that Maui had spun for his latest chosen guardian. Lou Grover was a strong, proud man, and, while he was not a mortal who'd immediately stand out to the gods, and he was not an addition that Lono would have chosen to guard the Hawaiian islands, Lono had learned not to doubt the choices that the younger god made. Maui might be young and quick to anger, as well as impetuous, but he'd proven to be a good judge of character.

Maui laughed, and kissed Lono on the cheek. "None of them were hurt, Uncle, and it all took place within the span of a human dream. You, as well as I, know what is coming to the islands. We needed another guardian. One who, like the others, is not afraid to do what is difficult, and right, no matter the cost to himself."

Lono nodded, and took a deep breath. It was never easy for him to chastise Maui, especially when the younger, temperamental god had a point. There was a darkness reaching out across the ocean, and the heavens, heading to the islands, leaving death and despair in its wake.

"You made a good choice, Maui," Lono praised.

He turned away from the looking glass, and took Maui by the hand. Kissing the younger god's knuckles, he searched Maui's fiery eyes for any sign of the encroaching darkness, and, finding none, smiled and caressed the younger god's cheek.

Together, they turned toward another looking glass, one that allowed them to survey both the past as well as the future, and every possible permutation that came along with the free will of mortals, and watched the darkness spread, hoping that the guardians would be ready to rise up against it when the time came. If they weren't...much would be lost, not only in Hawaii, but also in the very heavens themselves.

Tightening his hold on Maui, Lono closed his eyes, and prayed strength and enlightenment for the guardians that Maui had chosen to stand in the gap between darkness and light, not only for Hawaii, but also for the gods themselves.

 


	2. If You Can't Smurf 'em Join 'em

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Epilogue in which Grover realizes that it really wasn't a dream that he'd had. It's smurfin' real.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For rungirl60 who asked for an epilogue. I hope that this does not disappoint.

Stifling a yawn, Grover walks into his office and stops short in the doorway. Standing on a corner of his desk is a white, red and blue figurine, no more than a foot in height. 

He blinks, rubs at his eyes, certain that he's seeing things.

He isn't. 

Papa Smurf, or rather a figurine of Papa Smurf, is standing on the corner of his desk, a smirk on his blue face. Grover shudders, and sweat pops out on his forehead. 

_ This can't be happening, they can't know about the dream that I had last night. It's impossible,  _ he tells himself, panicking when Papa Smurf does not appear to be a figment of his imagination. He hadn't told anyone about the dream he'd had, not even his wife.  


Chin, humming a familiar tune that Grover can't quite place, slaps him on the shoulder in passing, and hands him a cup of coffee, as though there's nothing out of the ordinary. As though someone hasn't tampered with Grover's office, as though Grover isn't standing half in and half out of his office, pinned in place by a figurine that he suspects is actually three apples high. 

Grover takes a sip of the coffee, thinking that it will help to clear his vision. It's just the way he likes it. He nearly spits out the next sip when he sees that the cup that Chin's handed him features a trio of smiling Smurfs, encouraging him to have a -- Smurfy Day.

"Looks like we've got a busy day ahead of us," Chin says, barely cracking a smile, and then he walks away, still humming, leaving Grover to glower at the ceramic coffee cup that he's holding. 

Grover glares at the figurine on his desk, wondering which member of the team put it there, and refuses to take another sip out of the coffee cup that seems to be mocking him. He makes no move to walk any further into his office. He isn't afraid. Really.

"It's not going to bite you," Kono says. She hip checks him on the way past, and winks at him. 

"Did you do this?" he asks her, gesturing toward Papa Smurf, who is still looking at him. 

Kono smiles, and walks away without answering, hips sashaying as she sings, “La, la, la, la, la, la...”  which is the same tune, “The Smurfs,” theme song, that Chin had been humming earlier.

Grover reminds himself that she can kick his ass with her pinky finger, and that he should not, no matter the circumstances, provoke her.  He bites his lip, and doesn't rock the boat that his teammates appear to be in.

_ I'm going crazy,  _ Grover thinks.  _ It wasn't the chili. It wasn't a dream. I need to go to the nearest hospital and check myself in. It's the stress. I've finally cracked. _

"It wasn't a dream, you're not going crazy, and you don't need to check yourself into the nearest hospital, or start taking anti-psychotic drugs." Danny pats him on the back, and squeezes his shoulder, leans in close and whispers, "It was all real."

Which does nothing to assuage Grover's fears, because how the hell is Danny reading his mind? Is that part of the whole guardians of Hawaii thing that was mentioned in his dream?

Then Danny winks, and gives Grover a conspiratorial look. "So, do you have a secret Smurf fetish? It's smurfy if you do. I won't smurf a word of it to anyone. Smurf's honor." Danny holds two fingers over his heart. 

Danny's eyes are twinkling, and it's clear to Grover that he's trying hard not to burst out into laughter. It does very little to make him feel better about the whole situation. 

"No, I do not have a Smurf fetish," Grover mutters, and then it hits him that he had not been hallucinating the whole 'Smurf thing' as he'd started to think of it. If he had been hallucinating, or dreaming, then no one else would know about it.

The chili he'd eaten hadn't gone bad; he hadn't needed to throw it out this morning. 

He isn't cracking under the stress of working with some of the craziest people he's ever met (crazy in, mostly, a good way). 

None of the 'Smurf thing' had been a dream, and he's not sure how he feels about it. He isn't relieved. Not exactly. Not when Papa Smurf is standing on a corner of his desk, staring out at him, proving to him that last night's bizarre, chili-powered dream, was not, in fact a dream, but something supernatural. Something that he doesn't think he'll be able to wrap his head around without actually going crazy.

If everything had been a dream, then Kono wouldn't have left a figurine of Papa Smurf standing on his desk, Danny wouldn't be teasing him about having a Smurf fetish, and Chin wouldn't have handed him a cup of coffee that told him to have a Smurfy Day, or be giving him a knowing look over the rim of his coffee cup. 

"It's smurfy if you do," Danny says, pushing him toward his desk.

Groaning, and not wanting to let the team know just how much all of this is getting to him, Grover walks the rest of the way into his office. Skirting around the corner of his desk, he places the Smurf coffee cup on his desk, and ignores the Smurf DVD that is sitting on the keyboard to his laptop, as well as the Smurf mouse pad that's been used to replace the generic one that he'd had. There are Smurf stickers adorning his laptop and desk, as well as his wastebasket. 

It's overkill, but Grover gets the point, and, though he should probably check himself into Queen's Psychiatric Ward, and get the rest of the team fitted for straight jackets while he's at it, he feels oddly grateful, and strangely at peace, and like 'ohana. 

It's comforting, knowing that he's not alone in his delusions. 

"Ready to roll?" Steve asks as he strolls from his office, frowning at each member of the team in turn, and then shaking his head as though he's above all of their childish antics when he sees the Papa Smurf figurine, and the coffee cup, and all of the Smurf decorations in Grover's office. 

Grover wonders if Steve had a hand in any of it. He doubts he'd get a straight answer if he asked.

"Real mature," Steve says, rolling his eyes. "Now, if everyone's finished smurfing around, we've got a murder to solve."

It's as much of a confession, and a 'welcome to the supernatural' as he's bound to get from Steve. 

"Smurf on," Danny says. "Oh smurf, my smurf."

"Real cute, Danno Smurf," Steve says, and Grover chuckles to himself, because Danny and Steve bickering in smurf is far more convincing that he hasn't been dreaming than all of the Smurf paraphernalia he's been 'gifted' with. 

"Oh for the love of...would the both of you smurf up so that we can get some work done around here?" Grover asks, joining the team in the outer office. 

"If you can't smurf 'em, join 'em, right?" Kono punches him in the arm, and leans in close. "I'm glad that Maui and Lono added you to the team."

"Me, too, we could really use another buffer between our two fearless team leaders," Chin says.

Shaking his head, and casting his eyes toward the heavens in a silent plea to gods that he’s never met, Grover tunes out Danny and Steve’s smurf-littered bickering, and gears up. He has a feeling that it’s going to be a long day, and even longer lifetime.


End file.
